Narcissistic mothers, fathers and partners have one thing in common – to them, you will never be good enough.
As a partner to a narcissistic person, you will be lifted up in the beginning, praised and feel like you finally are seen for the amazing person you are.
As a child, you don’t get that luxury. You are lifted and praised, but only when it benefits the narcissist and often in the company of others, who will then look at the narcissistic parent and turn to you, saying how lucky you are to have a parent like that.
Behind the scenes however, the narcissist will make you feel that no matter what you do, you can never do enough and what you do is never good enough.
“it’s cold in here” – and you rush to close the window, while you see the look in their eyes that tell you, you failed for not seeing that they were cold and taking care of it before they spoke.
I recommend you read these books if you recognize this in your mother:
“What do you want for your birthday?” you will ask your parent and they will say “Oh, anything will do. Don’t make a fuss about it. I’ll be happy no matter what you do”. Don’t believe it! Healthy people will mean it when they say it, but not the narcissistic person! No matter what you come up with, it won’t be the right thing. And being vague like that is actually one of the ways they mess with your head – because now YOU have the ball and have to guess what it is they want – making you look like Einstein on speed, trying to figure out how NOT to fail this time. You won’t succeed. Even if you come up with the most amazing arrangement, invite guests, have a band and set it all up for success, your parent will have a headache, complain about all the commotion and go to bed.
So, I have a question for you: Why do you try? You KNOW you will never succeed, so what is it you tell yourself, that makes you try anyway?
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The narcissistic husband or father forces you to give up yourself, to make room for only him in your life. He will belittle you, ridicule you and scare you.
The narcissistic wife or mother manipulates you. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She will blame you for everything bad in her life.