“Why did you do it?” – guestblogger Charlotte Lindhardt
September 21, 2020
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Questions for dating

I felt I would share this with you because we often talk about “What about dating after the narc?” Because we have been abused, we are more sensitive and can often not deal with the same challenges as a person who had a sound childhood and learned healthy boundaries, emotional honesty and open vulnerability. We have to be more vigilant when we pick, otherwise we will retraumatize ourselves again and again. I wish you love and luck ❤

Here are 7 questions you can ask to root out the most toxic people:

  1. Have you ever been sued, prosecuted or served time in jail?
  2. Are you using any kind of drugs on a regular basis or occasionally? (I consider weed a drug in this regard – you might not. I have had a weed addict as bf and it was horrible)
  3. Do you drink alcohol more than 2 days a week?
  4. Have you ever had a restraining order against someone?
  5. Have you ever been clinically depressed? (Which will for me result in a no go, the chance of them getting depressed again is too high and I die being with a depressed person. Their energy drains me – I can’t handle it. That’s on me off course, but I need to take care of me, even with whatever flaws I have)
  6. Have you ever had a relationship where you felt you were not contributing to what went wrong – either actively or just by staying? (This is also a great conversation starter about boundaries)
  7. How many hours of therapy and/or coaching do you have under your belt?

 

A yes to either of the first 6 immediately eliminates their chance with me. Everyone deserves a second chance – but that’s where question 7 comes in – if he or she has not done the work, they have not changed and that will result in the same as a yes to the first 6. By asking these questions, I can also hear how comfortable the person is with their own vulnerability (not to be mistaken with feeling like a victim) I would feel it was totally ok to ask – and answer – these questions – even on a first date – it sends a signal to me that this person has given some thought to what they want as a basic secure foundation for the relationship.

NB: Off course I am not going to question them like a prosecutor. I’ll drop the questions here and there during the first and second date.

NB: People can lie – if so, I have a perfect reason to walk without giving a second chance. Lying is a first offence no go to me.
Hiding shit like this on a date is trying to make yourself look better than you are – which is toxic.

Is this valuable to you?

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