When you have decided to leave, you have to put behind you the idea that your partner is an emotional equal and that the process can be adult and friendly. Because disruption is the core of the narcissist, that will never happen.

So when you’re ready to leave emotionally, you don’t tell them that. Here’s what you do:

• Things can VERY easily get ugly, so get a divorce attorney. Let them guide you.
• NEVER take any Advice, Counsel or direction from the person you are divorcing. Everything he&she says is ONLY to benefit them in the end.
• Don’t talk to the person you are divorcing, because if you forget yourself, you will give him/her a lot of good information to use as ammunition against you in court. It’s best to NEVER share any information, plans, details or emotions with the person you are divorcing. For now, just don’t engage in defending or explaining. For once, just breathe and let them run rampant – you’re serving yourself better by being quiet during this process.
• Get all your papers gathered. And the kids’ papers if you have any.
• Did I mention not talking to your partner about what plans you have? I´ll repeat it – it IMPORTANT! They WILL try to make you spill the beans. DON’T! He/She will use everything you say and do against you in the end. Save all that for your attorney.

Marriage is about love, but divorce is about assets, custody and money. Your survival. Don’t forget this.

When your partner feels you behave differently, they will start to either hit you where your soft spots are, lovebomb you or threaten you. They will get suspicious. Lie if you must. “I have a sore shoulder and it hurts a lot. I must have stretched it. I am not in the mood for talking.”

If you’re not married or don’t have assets or kids together, plan your escape in secret anyway. Once you have a place to live and a support network, pack your things on a day where your partner is not home and leave a note saying: “I am done. I do not love you. Do not contact me.” The main reason for this note is to make sure you have made it clear to him/her that you want no further contact and no further involvement. This way, you have free hands to block them everywhere – mail, phone, social media – block them completely. You do NOT want to be manipulated into coming back.

First thing in your new home: Write a list of the 5 worst things your partner did and but it on the fridge and on your bathroom mirror, so you are reminded why you left EVERY day. Since you probably have trauma bonding, you will start to convince yourself that he/she wasn’t so bad and that you miss them. Don’t!

Click on a book cover to read more:

10 Strategies to deal with toxic men

The narcissistic husband or father forces you to give up yourself, to make room for only him in your life. He will belittle you, ridicule you and scare you.

 

10 Strategies to deal with toxic women

The narcissistic wife or mother manipulates you. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She will blame you for everything bad in her life.