Since I got divorced, it has dawned on me – and not for the first time – that the pattern in my close relations ARE changing. My narcissistic father taught me to make myself invisible emotionally and be an extension of him. My alcoholic mother taught me that I was insignificant and that drinking and men were more important to tend to than me.
These are the stories I carried in my heart all my life.
Scared that others would find out what I was; insignificant and unlovable.
When I am in relationships, I go chameleon – I change to become the woman I think they want. I am only truly me when I am with my girl friends.
I have worked with this for 25 years, the picture becoming more and more clear…the pieces of the puzzle more and more visible.
Until my 30’s I could only be with a man for 2 years, he would be the one, even if it was obvious HE couldn’t see it. I JUST needed to find the right way “to make him understand it.” What a useless struggle!
One morning I would wake up, realize he wasn’t the one after all and leave right there. I have broken many a heart that way.
Then I got married and was married for 8 years of which the first 2 was good, the next 2 not so good and the last 4 a living hell with a husband who was severely depressed and dystonic. 1 year after my divorce I met my next partner.
This time, I knew that it was not meant to be for life. I still hoped it, but one week in, I discovered that he was an alcoholic. I left him 3 times – third time is the charm. And I have been so fortunate to work on my codependency with him to a point where I could honestly say “This is not my potato”.
So….I have attracted men who needs saving – I need to be there for them, just like I was for my father. Being an extension of my men, makes me significant.
Now, I am asking myself a question every morning:
“If I were the most significant person in my life and clearly visible, what would my day be like?” – and I will do my best to live like that. This is my pledge – to me <3