Narcissists suffer from a deep lack of a sense of self. The sense of self is developed very early – before the child starts to speak and this is one of the reasons it is very difficult to work with this issue in talk therapy – the sense of self is exactly that – a sense.
This is why narcissists are committed to fabricating a self, one more lovable in the eyes of others. To do so, they are attracted to people who have what they want. They will say “We are the same” to you, but over time, they will discover that they are nothing like you. They cannot contain this pain and instead they will try to tear you down and make you flawed as them – if they don’t succeed, they will be forced to feel themselves and their pain and it is a pain so excruciating that it is unbearable.
What they do is project their own flaws onto you. This way, they can hate the flaws without feeling the pain.
What this means is that they – when we look at their core – ultimately really hate themselves. Without knowing it. It is important for them to not feel this, otherwise they will break and the facade they so carefully have build, will shatter.
They are dysphoric. A chronic resentment of life. Of themselves. (Dysphoria is a chronic dissatisfaction with life)
They mask this by having an inflated ego, which means that when someone suggest to them that their anger should be dealt with in therapy it feels to them like a rich person telling a poor person, that poverty is a choice. It makes them even more angry and they will accuse you of trying to make them believe they are flawed – it’s a run-in-circles-game that you can never win.
It is in other words, not an illness that is incurable, but it is curable if the person can fully admit to their condition and commit to long term therapy. YOU cannot persuade them to do this. YOU can only take care of you and your own codependency. You too, must admit to your issues and commit to therapy and personal work to get on the other side of the trauma you contract when being close to a narcissist for too long.
Click on a book cover to get more tools to handle the narcissist in your life:
The narcissistic husband or father forces you to give up yourself, to make room for only him in your life. He will belittle you, ridicule you and scare you.
The narcissistic wife or mother manipulates you. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She will blame you for everything bad in her life.