Not all questions are questions.
There is a difference between questions and requsts for validation.
Questions can be answered by the person being asked. Requests for validations can not. They are a demand for approval.
Grownups can ask: “You don’t mind, do you?” but really there is no room for saying “I DO mind”.
Children can tell the difference. They are very smart. They instinctively know when grownups are asking for validation.
Some questions aren’t questions, but orders under cover.
A grownup can say “Will you please be quiet?!” It is frased as a question, but really isn’t a question, but an order to be quiet.
Do you think about whether you are asking for validation, giving an order or actually asking a real question?
Most of us don’t think about it a lot, our being in the world is for a læarge part mechanic and runs on autopilot.
The problem with questions that aren’t really questions is that they are disrespectful.
If you don’t understand why because you can’t remember what it’s like to be a child and be asked non-questions, you can imagine your boss “asking” you “You don’t mind working late, do you?” og your spouse asking you “You don’t mind me not doing any chores for the next month, do you?”
When you imagine being asked like that, you can feel the disrespect in your body.
So it’s not like it doesn’t matter.
You want to teach your children respect og be respectful to your surroundings, you need to think about your questions.
There is a special type of the non-questions. The very manipulative ones.
Once, I met a very interesting guy and we dated for a while. The first time we were intimate his phone rang and I could clearly hear a girl talking on the other end of the phone, calling him sweetheart.
After he hung up, I asked him who that was and he told me, that he had 4 girlfriends and they were all so wonderful, he loved them equally.
And then he asked me: “You don’t have a problem with that do you? I think you’re too intelligent to have a problem with that.”
I got up and left.
Not only was he really not asking me, he was implying that if I had a problem with his way of life, I was less intelligent. The worst part was of course, that he hadn’t come clean and told me before we were intimate.
Indirectly degrading others by setting standards or making rules that the other party in a relationship has not agreed to, is taking the opther person hostage in the relation.
A lot of children experience this is in their childhood and as they cannot argue like a grown up and they cannot leave, they are left with being compliant, which sets a standard of “taking bullshit” to some degree. The more dishonest communication, the more bullshit they learn to take.
Have you been taught to take bullshit for fact?