Becoming the facilitator of joy

I was a facilitator. I am a very cheerful, optimistic person and I love to support and nourish the dreams of my partner. I love to help him make it come true. I love sharing the ambition, the excitement, the enthusiasm.
I love romantic talk, reminding him why I love him, how I see him, cheer him on and remind him of how well he is doing.
I am a facilitator. A cheerleader. A rainmaker.

And of course, every time I met a man, I would not get that in return. It would seem like it in the beginning, at least that’s what I told myself….THIS guy….he’s different. THIS guy…will be my equal.
They never were. Or they were in the beginning and then lost tracking after a year or so. While I didn’t.

When I started working with this issue, my therapist said I should tone it down and not be so enthusiastic and stop having expectations. I fired her.

I started asking around. It turned out that a lot of women had the same problem. So I thought it was the men who had the problem. I mulled that over for some time and decided that THAT was no solution. If I am like that, there MUST be men out there matching me.
I searched. I even tried a dating app, because I thought that if I wrote it down, the guys who saw my profile would mirror themselves in it and reply because they felt there was a match.
You don’t have to guess whether that actually happened. It didn’t.

I started wondering if it would be better to be single. I can’t though. I’m just not her – I work much better and function much better when I am one half of the orange ❤

I read books, tried different psychotherapies, but it wasn’t until I started looking inside that I realized 2 important things:
1. I LOVE being this person. So I don’t want to change.
2. What I am giving to a man, I WAS NOT GIVING TO ME!

That started a project in me where I tried to be my own facilitator, support, cheerleader, my own admiring audience. It felt really weird at first – a one woman show with no spectators, but if we need spectators to our life, we will fall into deep depression when there’s none. So I powered through.

Learned to cheer myself on, be thrilled when I succeed, motivate myself – even be romantic with myself. Push myself every day to take a step in the direction I wanted to go and the person I wanted to be.

I became true to me. Working became more fun. Doing the things we have to do every day for our own lives, trivial things, became a beautiful gift to myself. I became my own best friend. I landed in a place where other people, not just men, were a gift, not a necessity.

I am never scared to be alone anymore. I will never stay if it doesn’t make me happy. I don’t care what other people think of me and my path in life. I will remove myself from any person or situation that does not facilitate happiness in me. Because I can do better by myself, I don’t need to feel obligated to be a certain way or cater to anyone.

Are you your best friend? ❤

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