If you are trying to have a sensible discussion with a narcissist then you are giving them exactly what they need. Narcissists can never have an adult conversation. They crave arguments and conflicts because they love drama and tantrums.
If you start arguing with them, then you have swallowed the hook, the narcissist had been throwing at you to catch you. The narcissists have a void in their emotional structure and they never want you to be happy and emotionally sound either.
Tools to Disarm/ Deal with a Narcissist
1.Use “Grey Rock”
The first thing you should do to deal with a narcissist is to be unexpressive in front of the narcissist – hide your emotions. Stand in front of the mirror and take a deep breath. Keep a poker face. Don’t appear happy, sad, defensive, angry, or exhibit any other emotion. When you are comfortable with the poker face, say something without involving your emotions. Something like the bedsheet is blue and I don’t have any opinion about them. The sheets on the bed are just blue.
Practice this and every time the narcissist will try to emotionally trigger you, you will not become the bait. You are void of expressions like a grey rock and that will take away the power to make you react to the narcissist.
2. Do NOT Explain or Defend Yourself
Narcissists lure you to react and throw a tantrum or have an argument by blaming you. The moment you start defending or explaining yourself, you are in their trap. The narcissist is only trying to play with your emotions by saying all the bad things that make you uncomfortable.
To tackle this behavior, do not try to explain yourself because the narcissist is never going to listen anyway. They only do this to trigger a reaction from you. Just stay calm and composed and reply with “ok” to everything they say.
You are not flawed, liar or a bad person because a narcissist calls you that.
3.Calm them Down by Showing Compassion
To tackle the abandoned emotional child inside the narcissist – the child that lives inside them is what comes out when they are angry – you can choose to become a temporary therapist. If they start yelling that you are doing something on purpose, you can simply show compassion.
Stay relaxed and say; “It must feel so bad to you.”
This is HARD – because they push your buttons – so it is not for you who will be triggered by their behaviour.
Do not ridicule, demean, or blame them. You don’t want to be a part of the dysfunctional behavior. Stay calm.. They act as an emotional child because they never grew up emotionally.
Click on a book cover to get more tools to handle the narcissist in your life:
The narcissistic husband or father forces you to give up yourself, to make room for only him in your life. He will belittle you, ridicule you and scare you.
The narcissistic wife or mother manipulates you. Nothing is ever good enough for her. She will blame you for everything bad in her life.