In fact, there are many more than just 2 lies – but we have to start somewhere.
When we think we love someone, and in reality we are blinded by our own longing to be loved, then we may have a tendency to believe in something that we, in other circumstances, would be fully aware was a lie.
Maybe we don’t even know it – maybe we really believe it, but usually it’s more about the fact that we really WANT to believe it. But the gut feeling doesn’t lie.
Here are 3 lies that partners of narcissists cling to – thus holding themselves hostage.
- If only I just do this/am a little sweeter/agree with her/persevere/understand him, THEN everything will be fine again.
The idea that you have the power to control the other person’s mood/rage/benevolence is completely wrong. With a narcissistic person, you have NO power. They lie to you and tell you that what you do is of great importance to them, but it is only when it suits THEM that it is true – and then it ISN’T true at all, is it? They allow what you do to matter to them because it suits them.
“I get so unhappy when you’re gone for a whole night!”
“I lose energy and have to lie on the couch when you’re away from me.”
“You are the only one who understands me!”
“We only have each other!”
It’s so nice to be significant, but the price of being significant in this way is that you have to give up yourself, your interests, your network and your dreams. At the same time, he/she does nothing to find his/her own friends, get off the couch, live out his or her dreams – and at the same time as he/she makes you responsible for his/her emotional life, there is always an agenda behind everything, and at some point, no matter what you do, it’s never good enough.
- We are going into couple’s therapy or he/she is going into therapy
If there is one thing you can be 100% sure about with a narcissistic person, it is that it is never ever his/her fault. If you can prove it, then you have misunderstood their intention. Or it was just a joke. Or, well that’s because…
You will not get him/her to say “I’m sorry – I apologize. It was wrong of me”, ONLY if he/she feels that you are pulling away, will he/she dangle THAT little drop of honey in front of you. But trust that, as soon as you are back in your place, you will be blamed again. And nothing changes long term.
Narcissistic people do not regret, because there is nothing to regret, there is nothing wrong with them. They are smarter than other people, more clever than others, more justified than others – and what happens when a person like that goes into therapy? They will either get into a fight with the therapist or they will play the victim and cry helplessly or they will blame the other person.
They will try to form an alliance with the therapist:
“Well, I don’t think I have a problem, but of course I support my boyfriend/girlfriend and especially when he/she has found such a skilled and handsome/beautiful therapist like you. I just know that we will get the help we need here. Or my boyfriend/girlfriend will. Just tell me if there is anything I can do to help you help my boyfriend/girlfriend.”
Don’t. Save your money. If you’re with a narcissistic person, just get away. And stay away. Ask friends and family for help. Look at yourself. Give yourself some therapy instead. Some self-care. A good network. So you can grow and find a foothold in your own life.